Tag Archives: san francisco 49ers

Your Favorite Coach Sucks: Chip Kelly

Imagine you’re taking a college class. Something in literature, maybe covering literature during the Jazz Age. And you’re taking notes, listening to the professor, nodding intently. But every few minutes, one of your classmates speaks up, and he has something to say. The interruptions don’t bother you as much as his tone does. He speaks with an authority that matches the professor, which doesn’t fit because this kid is wearing a Bright Eyes shirt a size too small with Cheeto stains on it. But he continues to interject, and assert his knowledge, and basically tell everyone that he knows more about the subject than the professor.

You hate this guy, of course. Everyone does.


Even Ernie is like “Jesus, shut the fuck up dude.”

Now imagine you get your tests back that Friday. You’re looking at your score and you’re happy, but not too happy. You missed an easy question or two, and your handwriting looks like a doctor who suddenly became a zombie while writing. Then you look over and you see the interrupting classmate, the one who knows everything, and he’s hurrying to put away his test. But before he does, you see he got a 58 on it. A big fat sitting on the page.

But then, next week, he’s back at it again. Still interjecting, still acting like he knows everything. And now his authoritative tone is even more annoying. How could some dude who talks so much, who is so cocky, who doesn’t let the professor talk — how could this guy be so bad at the subject? Shouldn’t he listen more if he’s that bad? Shouldn’t he shut up?

This story was somewhat about my college experience (fuck you Mark), but it’s mostly about Chip Kelly, the equivalent of an English major with cheeto stains on his Bright Eyes shirt.

Your favorite coach is Chip Kelly, and he sucks. Continue reading


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Your Favorite Team Sucks: The San Francisco 49ers

We’re not going to spend a long time on this one, because it’s about as obvious as a football to the head.

Thanks Colin!

We knew they’d be bad after Harbaugh and most of the defense left. We didn’t think they’d be this awful. There’s no protection, there’s no penetration, there’s no run game, there’s no confidence in the quarterback, there’s no leadership, and there’s no hope that things will get better any time soon.

But there are funny gifs, and that’s about as good as it gets for San Francisco.

Your favorite team is the Niners, and they suck.

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THE RIVALRY OF THE CENTURY…oh wait both teams are 2-4? LOL JK NVM

For the past few years, there are few NFL storylines that got more play than the newly-budding rivalry between the Seattle Seahawks and the San Francisco 49ers. Organically forming because of their coaches, players, and success, it became almost as insufferable to listen to as “HEY TOM BRADY AND PEYTON MANNING ARE FACING OFF AGAIN LET’S TAKE TWO HOURS TO TALK ABOUT THEIR 15 YEAR HISTORY,” which is impressive.

Well now things are a little different. Both teams are 2-4 and at the bottom of the NFC West. And while it’s not exactly surprising for the Niners to be doing poorly after canning their coach and seeing their entire defense graduate into retirement, it’s weird to see the Seahawks sharing the basement. And because of that, tomorrow’s game isn’t getting nearly as much play as it has in years past.


Sorry for hurting your feelings, Russ.

Sorry for hurting your feelings, Russ.

We got this shit shoved down our throats for three whole years. Six games of endless hype that literally no one East of Las Vegas gave a shit about. So now that you guys are piss poor, we’re not about to let you guys off the hook.


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The Disease That Killed the San Francisco 49ers

We gather here today to pay our respects to the dearly departed San Francisco 49er organization, which has collapsed under the weight of front office egos. The cause of death is long-term illness that attacked the franchise on all sides. This sort of sickness is unprecedented, so all we can do is break down the different ailments that the Niners have incurred in the past few months of this surprisingly quick-moving disease. Continue reading

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Let’s Just Stop Doubting the Niners, Okay?

In the tumultuous world of football, there are very few things you can predict, and even fewer things you can guarantee. So many moving parts make it hard to know exactly what you’re going to get every Sunday, Monday, and Thursday (Jesus, football is on too many days.) And it makes sense that we try to find information to help us on this impossible quest to determine the future in the NFL. But sometimes that overeagerness can be problematic.

What does that vestigial paragraph have to do with anything? Probably nothing. I’ve had too much coffee this morning.

But what it really means is the San Francisco 49ers are a good team, and they will be for a while, and we should probably just shut the fuck up about their weaknesses, k? Continue reading

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