Tag Archives: Roger Goodell is a suckwad

Infomercial: NFL’s Money Making System

[To be aired during graveyard hours of 1-4AM]

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Hi, I’m Richard Karn. You might know me from Home Improvement, Family Feud, or as the guy who’s slowly turning into Kenny Rogers.

Are you struggling making ends meet? Do you dread the first of the month? Have you ever found yourself performing ungodly acts on perfect strangers just so you can keep your water running? Well don’t worry. I’m here to sell an amazing product — no, not a product — a philosophy and belief system that will change your life forever. It is created by the genius who brought you unnecessary celebration penalties, uneven punishments, replacement referees, and unenforceable concussion protocols. Today I bring to you: NFL’s Guaranteed Money Making System! Using skills and tactics made popular by the foremost sport in America, this system is guaranteed to dig you out of the financial quagmire that, let’s be honest, you probably got yourself into in the first place! Continue reading

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All Snark Aside: This Uniform Issue is Bullshit, Goodell

I realize this is a drop in the bucket and my opinion isn’t markedly different from most people. Everybody I talk to and read about agrees that the NFL is going too far in fining players for personal gestures because it violates uniform policy.

And I guess that’s kind of my point in writing this.

Everybody I talk to and read about agrees that the NFL is going too far in fining players for personal gestures because it violates uniform policy.

So why does the NFL keep doubling down?

Because fuck you, that's why.

Because fuck you, that’s why.

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Dear Uncle Nate: Letters from St. Louis PD, Ray Rice, and Brian Hoyer

Hey there. Some of you may not know that in my private time, I run an advice column called Dear Uncle Nate where I listen to people’s problems and give well-thought, meaningful solutions. More often than not, these questions come from NFL players and coaches, because I’m just that damn smart. Rather than keep my side job a secret any longer, I decided I would run my columns here, just in case you were a player or police force looking for some answers to your deep problems.

Let’s get to it! Continue reading

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The NFL Doesn’t Care About Spousal Abuse? Excuse Me For Not Being Shocked…Or Enraged

For the record, I do think this guy is a piece of shit

For the record, I do think this guy is a piece of shit

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. RAY RICE ONLY GOT TWO GAMES WHEN JOSH GORDON GOT A YEAR? THIS IS JUST…

Hold up, this doesn’t feel right. Let me clear my throat and try again.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT RAY RICE ONLY GOT TWO GAMES FOR BEATING A WOMAN. WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE DOES THIS SEND TO…

Sorry, sorry. One second. I was distracted. Let me try one more time.

ROGER GOODELL IS A HYPOCRITE AND AN AWFUL HUMAN BEING. I WILL NEVER GIVE MY MONEY TO ANY NFL PRODUCT ANYMORE! I HOPE YOU LIKE SEEING EMPTY SEATS AT STADIUMS, FUHRER, BECAUSE YOU’LL BE SEEING THEM EVERYWHERE, NOT JUST JACKSONVILLE! FUCK YOU AND FUCK…

Shit. I almost got through it, but I can’t do it. I can’t pretend to summon the necessary outrage. Continue reading

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The Trial of NFL Playoff Expansion (Again)

Come on, how could you hate this money-grabbing face?

Come on, how could you hate this money-grabbing face?

It was no doubt one of the more dramatic closing weeks to the NFL regular season in recent memory, as almost every single game had playoff implications. Week 17 might be more consistently dramatic from now on because, while the league refuses to officially comment, it seems clear that we are headed for playoff expansion.

Today our prestigious court room will see the NFL put on trial. The organization is charged with seven counts of trying to water down the playoffs, and three counts of just being a bunch of money grubbing sluts with no perspective. Ben Van Iten will be handling the prosecution, while Nate Raby will defend the Shield. These are their closing statements.

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