Tag Archives: REAL and NOT FAKE AT ALL

Infomercial: NFL’s Money Making System

[To be aired during graveyard hours of 1-4AM]

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Hi, I’m Richard Karn. You might know me from Home Improvement, Family Feud, or as the guy who’s slowly turning into Kenny Rogers.

Are you struggling making ends meet? Do you dread the first of the month? Have you ever found yourself performing ungodly acts on perfect strangers just so you can keep your water running? Well don’t worry. I’m here to sell an amazing product — no, not a product — a philosophy and belief system that will change your life forever. It is created by the genius who brought you unnecessary celebration penalties, uneven punishments, replacement referees, and unenforceable concussion protocols. Today I bring to you: NFL’s Guaranteed Money Making System! Using skills and tactics made popular by the foremost sport in America, this system is guaranteed to dig you out of the financial quagmire that, let’s be honest, you probably got yourself into in the first place! Continue reading

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Russell Wilson Decides The Internet Hasn’t Mocked Him In a While

Ciara: Russell, are you okay? You seem slightly less robotic than normal.

Russell: I’m a little sad.

Ciara: Why?

Russell: Well, remember when the internet used to mock my ridiculous personality quirks all the time? Like when they made fun of me for googling compliments for you, or for believing in concussion-curing miracle water?

Ciara: Yeah, the internet is full of idiots, jerks, and snarky bloggers who literally know nothing. Don’t let it bother you?

Russell: I’m actually more bothered that they haven’t done it in a while.

Ciara: What? Why?

Russell: It makes me feel like I have something to prove. When random people make fun of me for off-the-field issues, it gives me all the motivation I need to be better on the field.

Ciara: …I don’t think those things are related.

Russell: They are. So I need a new way to get the internet to mock me again.

Ciara: Well, we did just get married recently. I could say that we still haven’t had sex because you wanted to wait for our one-year anniversary.

Russell: No, that’s too respectable, they won’t make fun of that.

Ciara: Maybe you could take one of Jimmy Graham’s planes out and claim that God taught you how to fly?

Russell: That’s not bad, but I don’t think God will teach me to fly right now, He’s really busy.

Ciara: Hm…what about if we buy a house in rural Washington, adorn it with weird furniture, and invite Home and Living to run a cover feature on it? You can call it…Russ-tic Living!

Russell: Seems like a lot of work…but I like where your head is at with the puns. Wait…I’ve got it!

Ciara: What is it?

Russell: Combining everything you just suggested. I need to show a lack of self-awareness, a flair of the ridiculousness, and lame puns…can you call the old Director of Photography from the Goodies video? I’ll meet you back here in an hour. I need to go to Kinko’s to make some flyers. Get ready baby…this is going to be the most mockable thing yet!

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Mike Smith Background Check: What His Former Players Had to Say!

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“Well, you guys have a quarterback who’s just okay and gets intermittently hyped and hated depending on the day. So, hey, perfect fucking fit.”

-Matt Ryan

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“One time Mike put the ball in my hands in overtime, 4th and 1 on our own 30 yard line. It showed he had a ton of confidence and really made me feel great. Then…well, then I didn’t make it. That wasn’t great. And it was kind of an idiotic decision. But hey, if I had made it, we would have…had 70 yards to go to score. But…um…”

-Michael Turner

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“You want to hire Mike Smith…as a head coach? This is my only reaction:”

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-Brian VanGorder

 

“This has got to be a prank right? Why do you think I left?”

-Brent Grimes

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“Sounds like a great idea. Seriously. What are you waiting for? What…no I didn’t play for him. Why do you ask?”

-Tom Brady

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Pacman Jones’ Diary: Or, How the Bengals Made Me Trust in Love Again

It’s Sunday night. I’m sitting on my couch, eating a tub of Moose Tracks ice cream. I miss Blue Bell. The store brand shit doesn’t cut it. I would risk listeria for an I Heart Chocolate scoop right now. I think about that last thought and realize my desperation has hit an all-time high. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been burned as many times as I have.

I look at the TV and see the crawl list another victory for Cincinnati. I fight back tears and switch the channel from ESPN to TBS. Bridget Jones’ Diary is on. This will be a better waste of my time than watching football highlights. If I watch highlights, there’s a chance I’ll see them. And I can’t see them right now. Not when they’re doing so well.

Artist's rendition of Nate

Artist’s rendition of Nate

Just as we get to the scene where Bridget says something cheeky in a bad British accent, I hear a knock at my door. It’s faint; I thought it was a tree branch at first. Then, it happens again.

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Footbawl Leaks: Mike Tomlin’s Exciting Night

As you may have heard last night, Mike Vick signed with the Pittsburgh Steelers. We knew that this would create buzz not only with the media, but with the team as well, so we got our experts to tap into coach Mike Tomlin’s phone. Here are the REAL and NOT FAKE AT ALL text messages from Tomlin the night Vick signed. Continue reading

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