The #1 RG3 Hatin’ Blog is Back in Business!

Cleveland is expected to reach agreement with former Redskins' QB Robert Griffin III today, per team source. Griffin III to be a Brown.

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) March 24, 2016

And with the flick of his cheeto-dusted fingers, Adam Schefter has breathed new life into The Footbawl Blog. Well, the Browns and Griffin himself helped. It doesn’t matter who created this amazing situation, only that it exists. And as it stands, RG3 is going to be a Cleveland Brown.

This is amazing for several reasons:

1. One of the most renowned rookie busts goes to one of the most renowned inept franchises.
2. It makes the Browns’ pick at #2 even more exciting. Either they pick a non-QB and hilariously proclaim to the world “we found our guy in RG3” or they pick a QB and we get an amazing controversy at the position, which is just as hilarious.
3. At least for a little while, people will care when RG3 has soundbites. And oh, does he have soundbites.
4. My co-editor Ben has been diagnosed with a sloth disease previously thought to be incurable. In the past fifteen minutes, rumor has it that Ben has finally woken up, blinked a few times, and asked for his laptop and a beer. RG3 hatred may very well be his cure.
5. The AFC North now features Flacco, Dalton, Roethlisberger, and Griffin III, which sounds like the best Ghostbusters reboot of all time.

This was the best five minutes I’ve ever spent.

Will this be the necessary push to free us from the doldrums of offseason? Will Robert Griffin III  make the Browns somewhat respectable? Was Chris Dorsey just a figment of our collective imaginations? Tune in next time (in like 5 months) to find out!

Fire Philbin! Fire Whisenhunt! Fire Caldwell! …Don’t Fire Pettine?

This week I’ve spent a considerable amount of time ranting about potential and actual coach firings. And as frequent readers know, I’m a proponent of cutting a guy loose when it’s obvious he’s not the guy. I am the kind of asshole who doesn’t think about the coach as a person, or of his kids who will have to move…he’s a commodity, and that commodity needs to be unloaded like an old couch that won’t fit through the doorway of your new bungalow.

I thought firing Philbin was the right move. I thought firing Whisenhunt was necessary. I think Caldwell will go and it will be a good move.

So why am I okay with Mike Pettine keeping his job, even after how bad the Cleveland Browns look so far?

“Someone’s defending me? What a welcome change!”

The Trial Of Johnny Manziel’s Middle Finger

Okay, it’s pretty funny

If you have ESPN (or know someone who knows someone that does) then by now you have most likely become aware of the incident on Monday night where Johnny Manziel gave the Redskins the bench the middle finger.

Johnny Football faces a fine from the NFL, and the stigma of his teammates. But more important of any of that, he must now stare down the barrel of justice in our highly prestigious court room. Today the former Heisman winner faces three counts of “Forcing his Teammates to Answer a Bunch of Stupid Questions for the Rest of their Lives” and ten counts of “Dude, Seriously?” Ben Van Iten is the prosecution while Nate Raby will be handling the defense.

These are their closing statements.

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2013 Team Retrospective: The Cleveland Browns

The Bills make us chuckle. The Raiders make us giggle. The Jaguars make us snigger, and the Titans make us go, “Who?” (Seriously, I never remember the Titans). But if you want the big laugh, the guffaw, the penultimate death-by-laughter effect, go no further than the Cleveland Browns. In a league full of bottom-dwelling joke teams, the Browns are the ones who bring the house down.

This season was no different. The Factory of Sadness played host to some lowlights and some lower lights this year, with glimmers of hope being dashed by metric tons of shit-soaked reality. At one time they were near the division lead, and it was later than Week 1. Then it all fell apart and they ended the season on seven straight losses.

But it turned out the regular season was just the opening act in this comedy of ineptitude. The real headliner would be the front office shuffle that had a first-year coach fired, a month-long coaching search being rejected by anyone with a lick of sense, and finally the general manager and CEO left the team, because they couldn’t stand the smell of the shitstorm they created. The Browns, like they have over the past several years, stands at a crossroads with no map, where most if not all paths lead to certain doom. Hopefully they packed a towel.

This is the Cleveland Browns retrospective.

Josh Gordon is Leading the NFL in Receiving Yards *drops mic*

So you mean to say he caught this pass, as well as several others?

Hey everyone, hope you’re having a nice relaxing afternoon. I don’t mean to alarm you but…JOSH GORDON IS LEADING THE NFL IN RECEIVING!

This is not a drill. This is real fucking life people.

Calvin Johnson did not change his name to Josh Gordon. I am talking about the Josh Gordon that plays for the Cleveland Browns. What I’m really trying to say is that the amount of yards he has amassed receiving this season is more than any of the other players who also catch passes. He has fourteen hundred yards receiving, and the last time I checked the rest of the Browns offense has accounted for a hundred and forty four*. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’ll go back to not mentioning his name again until he gets traded to a contender next season.

* = not a precise figure