Monday Morning Jerkface: Week One

The first thing you notice is a ray of sunlight, piercing through the blinds and forcing your eyes open.

The first thing you see is a bulletin board, words scrawled across it in blood. “Twelve ways to spice up the read option.” “How to know if your defensive coordinator is actually a mannequin.” “The definitive way to kill Bears.” Beneath that last one is a tuft of brown hair. Did you mean the Chicago Bears? Did you kill an actual bear? It’s hard to remember.

Your phone rings and your boss starts screaming. He says something about no tolerance, about meeting your quota, about getting in right now or never bothering at all.

But you yawn and put the phone down. Trent Dilfer just came on TV to talk about your team’s blocking scheme. Everything else can wait.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading


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NFL Kickoff Drinking Game: Denver Broncos vs. Carolina Panthers

It’s here! NFL Thursday Kickoff! And you know what that means: it’s time for the beast Von Miller to be released, souls of quarterbacks the only offering that will satiate his unending, evil hunger.

Tonight, the Super Bowl Champion Denver Broncos take on the NFC Champion Carolina Panthers in a match I’m calling The Emperor’s Clothes, because the Broncos are trotting out a lineup without a quarterback and expecting us to believe someone named Trevor Siemian actually exists.


Man that’s some really skilled photoshop

For many, it’s the culmination of a long offseason, the end of hypothetical and the birth of actual. For most of us, though, it’s the perfect excuse to casually get alcohol poisoning!

To that end, the scientists at the Footbawl Blog lab have concocted a drinking game explicitly designed to make your boss look at you Friday morning and say “You’re an embarrassment, Johnson. Drink some coffee and pack your things, you’re fired.”

We’ve organized our rules into three categories: Sip, Gulp, and Chug. I hope that’s self-explanatory, but just in case Mark Sanchez is reading this, I’ll describe each category below.


Awwww, sorry Mark, I didn’t mean it

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Nate Yells At Memes: Colin Kaepernick, Tim Tebow, AMERICA!

Those of us who troll Facebook know all about memes. We see them in our timeline, proclaiming stupidity to the world, and most of us know what to do with them: ignore them, laugh at their idiocy, and move on with our lives.

Nate Raby is not most of us, because he’s an idiot. In our latest feature, Nate finds memes that anger him, he takes them too seriously, and he yells about them here. Today’s meme concerns Colin Kaepernick, a veteran, and Tim Tebow for some reason.


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Do Your Job is Not an Original or Exclusive Phrase

Yes, Rob, it does look familiar. Maybe — I don’t know — because it’s a cliche?

Keep in mind, I don’t think Gronkowski is actually mad about this at all. You can tell because he made the hashtag #DoYourJobGate, which is clearly satirical because of how dumb it is. But the point still needs to be made that “Do Your Job” doesn’t belong to the Patriots.


Someone somewhere actually owns this shirt.


This is where you’d expect me to point out that “Do Your Job” belonged to the Saints years ago. But you’d be wrong, because it doesn’t belong to anyone. It belongs to a football team as much as “Happy Birthday To You” belongs to Patty Hill. At this point, it’s just three overused words that combine to make an overused phrase. It would be like a football team trying to trademark “Next Man Up.” It’s a part of football rhetoric, words that don’t actually mean anything but paint a picture.

The picture “Do Your Job” paints is one where the players focus on the important things, like getting ready for the season, honing camaraderie with your teammates, and maybe not getting worked up about the proper attribution of a sentence so universal it could be a clue on Wheel of Fortune. So instead of tweeting about something that matters to no one, why don’t you…well…do your job?

And work on your hashtag game. Please.

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Russell Wilson Decides The Internet Hasn’t Mocked Him In a While

Ciara: Russell, are you okay? You seem slightly less robotic than normal.

Russell: I’m a little sad.

Ciara: Why?

Russell: Well, remember when the internet used to mock my ridiculous personality quirks all the time? Like when they made fun of me for googling compliments for you, or for believing in concussion-curing miracle water?

Ciara: Yeah, the internet is full of idiots, jerks, and snarky bloggers who literally know nothing. Don’t let it bother you?

Russell: I’m actually more bothered that they haven’t done it in a while.

Ciara: What? Why?

Russell: It makes me feel like I have something to prove. When random people make fun of me for off-the-field issues, it gives me all the motivation I need to be better on the field.

Ciara: …I don’t think those things are related.

Russell: They are. So I need a new way to get the internet to mock me again.

Ciara: Well, we did just get married recently. I could say that we still haven’t had sex because you wanted to wait for our one-year anniversary.

Russell: No, that’s too respectable, they won’t make fun of that.

Ciara: Maybe you could take one of Jimmy Graham’s planes out and claim that God taught you how to fly?

Russell: That’s not bad, but I don’t think God will teach me to fly right now, He’s really busy.

Ciara: Hm…what about if we buy a house in rural Washington, adorn it with weird furniture, and invite Home and Living to run a cover feature on it? You can call it…Russ-tic Living!

Russell: Seems like a lot of work…but I like where your head is at with the puns. Wait…I’ve got it!

Ciara: What is it?

Russell: Combining everything you just suggested. I need to show a lack of self-awareness, a flair of the ridiculousness, and lame puns…can you call the old Director of Photography from the Goodies video? I’ll meet you back here in an hour. I need to go to Kinko’s to make some flyers. Get ready baby…this is going to be the most mockable thing yet!


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