Ciara: Russell, are you okay? You seem slightly less robotic than normal.
Russell: I’m a little sad.
Russell: Well, remember when the internet used to mock my ridiculous personality quirks all the time? Like when they made fun of me for googling compliments for you, or for believing in concussion-curing miracle water?
Ciara: Yeah, the internet is full of idiots, jerks, and snarky bloggers who literally know nothing. Don’t let it bother you?
Russell: I’m actually more bothered that they haven’t done it in a while.
Ciara: What? Why?
Russell: It makes me feel like I have something to prove. When random people make fun of me for off-the-field issues, it gives me all the motivation I need to be better on the field.
Ciara: …I don’t think those things are related.
Russell: They are. So I need a new way to get the internet to mock me again.
Ciara: Well, we did just get married recently. I could say that we still haven’t had sex because you wanted to wait for our one-year anniversary.
Russell: No, that’s too respectable, they won’t make fun of that.
Ciara: Maybe you could take one of Jimmy Graham’s planes out and claim that God taught you how to fly?
Russell: That’s not bad, but I don’t think God will teach me to fly right now, He’s really busy.
Ciara: Hm…what about if we buy a house in rural Washington, adorn it with weird furniture, and invite Home and Living to run a cover feature on it? You can call it…Russ-tic Living!
Russell: Seems like a lot of work…but I like where your head is at with the puns. Wait…I’ve got it!
Ciara: What is it?
Russell: Combining everything you just suggested. I need to show a lack of self-awareness, a flair of the ridiculousness, and lame puns…can you call the old Director of Photography from the Goodies video? I’ll meet you back here in an hour. I need to go to Kinko’s to make some flyers. Get ready baby…this is going to be the most mockable thing yet!