[To be aired during graveyard hours of 1-4AM]
Hi, I’m Richard Karn. You might know me from Home Improvement, Family Feud, or as the guy who’s slowly turning into Kenny Rogers.
Are you struggling making ends meet? Do you dread the first of the month? Have you ever found yourself performing ungodly acts on perfect strangers just so you can keep your water running? Well don’t worry. I’m here to sell an amazing product — no, not a product — a philosophy and belief system that will change your life forever. It is created by the genius who brought you unnecessary celebration penalties, uneven punishments, replacement referees, and unenforceable concussion protocols. Today I bring to you: NFL’s Guaranteed Money Making System! Using skills and tactics made popular by the foremost sport in America, this system is guaranteed to dig you out of the financial quagmire that, let’s be honest, you probably got yourself into in the first place!
Let’s introduce the founder of this system and the man who has single-handedly made Tom Brady more likable…Commissioner Goodell!
Thanks, Richard. I’m honored to be showing you the tactics that have allowed me to make the National Football League the money-printing company it is today. You may think the sheer popularity of the sport is what makes the business so lucrative, and you’re not completely wrong. But what sets us apart are the strategies that we use to really bolster our product, and for the first time ever we’re going to pass that knowledge onto you, the consumer. Soon you’ll be able to extract money from people just like we do! And because it’s really late right now and the only people watching are midnight security guards and the clinically insane, we’re going to give away some of our tactics for free! But if you want them all, you’ll have to purchase our system, which we will put on sale at the end of this special!
Here’s a sample of our money-making tactics!
Are there people who are in danger of taking your well-deserved money? Do you have dependents who threaten your ability to stack paper? There’s a simple solution: change the narrative and remove public support. In our business, we do this by stressing the narrative that players are money-hungry millionaires playing a game, and ignoring the fact that the owners are even richer and more money-hungry. This allows us to have insane leverage in collective bargaining that we use to squeeze every penny we can from the player’s union. But you’re probably asking, “Roger, how can I translate that into my everyday life?” Firstly, don’t you fucking dare call me Roger without permission. It’s “Mr. Goodell,” “Mr. Commissioner,” or “Football Czar.”
Secondly, it’s simple to use our tactic in your life! Say you have a child who wants to go to a nice high school or a private university. That will sap thousands of dollars from your bottom line, and who knows if college will be worth it anyway? So what do you do about it? You change the narrative. This is no longer a “son” or “daughter.” They are now a “problem child” whose unruly behavior makes it impossible for you to effectively maintain order in your own house. Cry a few tears, throw the words “mentally unstable” around, and BOOM! Kid isn’t your problem anymore, they’re a ward of the state. And you can use that “college money” to fund something more important, like a trip to Iceland or decades of spray tan visits!
Monetizing Double Standards
Here’s another tactic we’re giving away for free. Some may view the NFL’s inconsistency as a problem. But here in the league, we see it as a way to make money! For example, a player once made a lewd gesture that, as a violent and barbaric sport, we could not tolerate. So we naturally took money from the player to pad our coffers. But that’s not all. After that, we made sure to sell a picture of the lewd gesture in our shop. Now, we had to remove it from our store because the press unfairly complained, but we sold a ton of merchandise before we did!
Using this mindset, imagine what you can do! Now, I’ll be honest, exact examples are escaping me of how you can use this to your advantage. But it’s somewhere in that book we’re selling, I’m sure! I think. Troy Vincent wrote it and we haven’t spoken in years.
Generate Product Dependency
The best way to make money is to convince people they need a product, then make it harder and harder for them to get it for free. For example, you can offer football on one day a week, then two days a week, and eventually a third day. And then on that third day, after giving it to people for free, you can then put it on an exclusive channel that people have to purchase expensive cable packages to view. And if people don’t seem interested, just keep pretending it’s interesting and necessary, even though people lived without it fine before. Come up with some silly marketing ideas that make people realize how much they need the product.
Like this. Perfect!
In your own life, you can sell something that’s cheap for a cheap price, then raise the price and ubiquity of it. Then people will realize they need it more and more, and you can continue to exploit that until they have no choice but to spend more than they want on it. This product can be football, lemonade, or any recreational drug. You’ll be fostering healthy addiction in no time!
Thanks, Football Czar! Now, to get these and many other money-making tactics, call our number to receive the NFL’s Guaranteed Money Making System! It can be yours for only 6 easy payments of $199.99*. So call our number and start making money today!
*Portions from this will go to pay for Johnny Manziel’s annual rehab.