“Such a sad day for sports,” you murmur, sitting shirtless in the same place you have been since the games on Sunday.
“I know,” your wife agrees. “Arnold Palmer.”
“No, not that.”
“Oh, right, the Marlins pitcher. What a shame, so young.”
“Not that either,” you say, finding a stray popcorn kernel in your belly button.
“Last night during Sunday Night Football, Al Michaels made a mistake. He meant to talk about one player and said another’s name.”
Your wife stares at you, which you interpret as her sharing in your abject horror. “Why is that bad?”
“Why is that bad? Al Michaels is infallible. He never makes a mistake like that. I feel so bad for his family.”
Your wife rolls her eyes and walks away, mumbling about lawyers and child custody. But all you notice is the popcorn kernel, begging you to end its misery. “I’m sorry, Al,” you say as you bring the kernel to your mouth.
This is Monday Morning Jerkface.
Bird Is Definitely NOT the Word
It must be confusing to be a Cardinals fan right now. Last year you were among the best teams in football. You make very few major changes and come into a division that appears to be ripe for the taking. Your first three games are against a Brady-less Patriot team, the Buccaneers, and the Buffalo Bills, none of which inspire fear.
And now, suddenly, you’re 1-2 after an embarrassing outing against Buffalo where Carson Palmer threw 4 interceptions. They looked great against Tampa but absolutely anemic against the Patriots, and even though the sample size is short it appears that the Cardinals offense that dominated last year hasn’t performed up to expectations. And that’s the real issue here: people expect a lot of the Cardinals. They were supposed to be the chosen one to bring balance to the NFC West. And now their arms and legs have been chopped off near a lava pit.
Sooooo the Bears are Bad
Not like it was much of a surprise or anything, but when you get wiped on Sunday Night Football, it becomes a little hard to ignore. Last night the the Cowboys torched the Bears on the ground for 200 yards while rookies Ezekiel Elliott and Dak Prescott looked like veterans against the hapless and injured Bears defense. At some point in the 4th quarter Al Michaels said the game wasn’t over, and he said it in about the least convincing voice I’ve ever heard.
With the Vikings looking great without their starting quarterback at 3-0, the Packers regaining form and the Lions even looking competitive, it looks like the Bears have decided someone has to be the NFC North caboose, and they’re happily volunteering.
Side note: At one point Michele Tafoya was on the sideline holding a football that made an excruciatingly irritating noise, saying that the Cowboys use them because they were making a concentrated effort to focus on ball protection. My gripe isn’t without the noise, although that was terrible; my gripe is the “concentrated effort” part. Every team focuses on taking care of the football. Every NBA team focuses on rebounding. Every baseball team focuses on hitting the ball. It’s idiotic to pretend that one team cares more about turning the ball over than other teams.
OKAY OKAY FINE I’LL FINALLY ADMIT CARSON WENTZ LOOKS GOOD
The Eagles hosted the 2-0 Steelers, who had looked pretty strong in their two wins. And even though the Eagles had also looked good, it’s easy to be skeptical of a rookie quarterback who experiences early success. You don’t want to freak out too early, because then when they inevitably come back to earth you look silly for overreacting.
Well here’s my timestamp, future analysts: You can come back to September 26, 2016 to make fun of me when Wentz eventually reverts to the mean, because I’m overreacting now.
The man is incredible! He has poise, intelligence, and a touch on the ball that I didn’t expect. This entire play shows you all of Wentz’s strengths in one clip:
It also shows Sproles’ strength. Man I miss that dude.
Now, even in the midst of freaking out, I will say the kid has a lot of help. That defense looks scary, and being able to hold Roethlisberger and company to a field goal is definitely impressive. Bottom line is the Eagles look great, and they look smart for trading up to pick this kid so far.
- The Broncos win again with a strong performance against Cincinnati, and it’s looking like a repeat of last season. If anything, it looks better for Denver because Trevor Siemian actually resembles a decent starting quarterback, something neither Peyton Noneck nor Brock Lobster could muster.
- Terrelle Pryor played safety, wide receiver, and quarterback for the Browns in their overtime loss to the Dolphins. Somewhere George Blanda is smiling, and somewhere else Robert Griffin III is telling his friends “I could do all that and punt too.”
- Ryan Fitzpatrick threw 6 interceptions yesterday as the Jets got killed by the Chiefs. When asked to explain his performance, he said “I played like dirt the last time I got a big contract, did you guys expect anything different?”
- Speaking of the AFC East, there are 3 teams that are 1-2, and one team that is 3-0. That 3-0 team has yet to start its GOAT QB. Basically every other team in this division is singing the lyrics to Linkin Park’s “In the End” all season long.
- Tonight my Saints take on the Falcons in the 10 year anniversary of the dome reopening after Katrina. Expect a lot of emotions, a few waterworks, and the Saints consequently losing by 20 and also losing three defensive starters. Enjoy!