On Sunday afternoon, Washington Wizards point guard and Professor of “the Dougie” John Wall showed up to FedEx field to watch the Redskins take on their most hated rival, the Cowboys. This fact alone is not surprising. John is one of the more recognizable athletes in town, and pro sports megastars often check out their city’s sister teams.
What is surprising, however, is that he chose to do this wearing Cowboys gear. And, because this is 2016 and what else are people supposed to do with their time, Twitter collectively lost its shit. But perhaps the biggest news in the wake of this utter disaster for Washington sports fans, is that the strong (and admittedly weird) hand of justice that is our highly respected court might be closing in on Mr. Wall. Today he stands trial, and is charged with thirteen counts of being an unoriginal douchebag and four counts of “seriously, dude, do you have to wear that?”
The prosecuting attorney is Benjamin Van Iten. Nathan Raby heads up the defense. The judge, as always, is a creepy mannequin because that is the sort of budget we are working with here.
The jury….IS YOU!
* * *
The defense attorney rises from his chair, takes a sip of his water and steps towards the jury. It should be noted that he is wearing a suit and a feather Headdress. Oh no.
Ben: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Honorable judge creepy mannequin.
Ben nods at the judge, who does not nod back.
Let me start by addressing the elephant in the room. I know skinny ties are out this year. I’m sorry everyone.
Every juror is staring at his head, and are visibly upset.
Also, you might have noticed that I’m wearing an Indian headdress. If John Wall would have shown up to the football game dressed like this, it would have been less offensive than the outfit he chose to wear.
Everyone in the room slowly shakes their head. Ben removes the headdress and hands it to a clerk.
My colleague might tell you that John has done nothing wrong here. He might even tell you that it is perfectly legal to buy a Cowboys jersey and wear it. Well I say to you fine folks, IS THAT THE KIND OF WORLD THAT YOU WANT TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN?!? WHERE A GROWN MAN CAN JUST BUY A COWBOYS JERSEY AND WEAR THAT FUCKING THING ANYWHERE HE FUCKING WANTS!?!
A single tear falls down the cheek of juror #6.
Furthermore, this is a man that was born in North Carolina. He has no reason to support Dallas, just like Lebron James doesn’t. Perhaps when John Wall was watching Skip Bayless say a bunch of thinly vailed racist stuff about him, he kept the TV on too long and listened to Skip pretend the Cowboys are still relevant and address them as the lead story every week as they inevitably march towards a seven win season.
I mean, if the Cowboys won the Super Bowl last year it wouldn’t be okay, but it would still make sense. The last time they won a Super Bowl John was six years old. Dude might as well wear a Ravens Trent Dilfer jersey.
For whatever reasons, celebrities, idiots, and idiot celebrities love the Cowboys. It’s unoriginal. It’s a disease. AND IT’S TEARING AT THE FABRIC OF THE AMERICAN FAMILY! ALSO IN THE 90’S THEY WERE ALL ON COCAINE! THE PROSECUTION RESTS!
Ben exhales, and takes a seat. Nate walks over to the clerk that is holding the headdress and beckons for it.
Nate: May I?
He pulls a lighter from his pocket and sets fire to the headdress while the clerk is still holding it. The clerk screams and throws it in the air, and the Bailiff uses an extinguisher to douse the flame.
Nate: There. Now, I want it to be clear that I do not defend the Cowboys, besides the occasional time where I have to remind everyone that Tony Romo isn’t actually terrible. I don’t like the colors, I don’t like the logo, and one time I beat my neighbor within an inch of his life because he was wearing a Troy Aikman jersey.
Ben: That isn’t remotely true.
Nate: You’re right, it’s because he keeps blocking my driveway. Anyway, you won’t find me saying that the Cowboys are worth rooting for. This isn’t so much a defense of the Cowboys as it is an attack of the Redskins.
Ben treats Cowboy fandom like it is something that someone actively chooses, that there aren’t a million different reasons to be a fan of a team regardless of location. And you know what? Let’s go there. John Wall wasn’t the only person there wearing a Cowboys jersey. In fact, every week in DC, there are thousands of residents who show up wearing the visitor’s jersey. Why don’t all of those fans choose their city’s team to root for?
Well, because they suck, for one. But there’s another reason.
Washington, DC isn’t a unified city. It’s a place where people go to work. Senators, representatives, aliens who found that impersonating politicians is the best way to infiltrate society — this is not somewhere like a Green Bay, or a New Orleans, or even a Pittsburgh, with an insular community. And maybe the Redskins haven’t given their city enough to cheer for, but even if they had, the city is too fractured with non-locals to really get together behind one team. The Wizards are the same way, as I’m sure John Wall could attest to. ISN’T THAT RIGHT, SURPRISE GUEST WITNESS JOHN WALL?
Nate points wildly to the back, where no one comes through the empty doors.
He must not have received my 4000 emails. Anyway, John Wall isn’t a fan of the Redskins. A lot of DC residents aren’t. And that should be okay. If anything, maybe John Wall doesn’t want to put a racist logo on his chest. And maybe instead of attacking a celebrity because he isn’t behind the hometown team, you should ask yourself what you can do to get the entire city to rally around the hometown team.
Drugging Danny Synder and stealing the team may be a nice start. The defense rests.
Which side are you on? Let us know in the comments!