Dear Uncle Nate: Could Case Keenum Score Against a High School Team?

Some of you may not know that in my private time, I run an advice column called Dear Uncle Nate where I listen to people’s problems and give well-thought, meaningful solutions. It’s a specialized column, because it seems that only NFL players and coaches write me questions. It’s obvious that my experience as a loud, unshowered blogger has impressed everyone. I got 6 questions this week, but I’m only answering half of them. Just call me the Josh Norman of advice columns!

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Dear Uncle Nate,

Well this move to LA isn’t working out so far. Sure, the people are prettier and weigh less, and Nelly doesn’t keep showing up at my office asking for money. But the team looks like a disaster! Goff doesn’t look like he’s ready to play, the defense couldn’t stop Blaine Gabbert, and I don’t think Case Keenum could score against a high school defense. I thought the location would magically turn us into a great team. What am I doing wrong?

Sincerely,

Tan Stan

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Like Ron Swanson, but worse at coaching football (USA Today)

Dear Stan,

Everything. You’re doing everything wrong.

But more specifically, it all starts with the man with the headset. You had a golden chance to redefine the LA Rams with the move. A fresh start, a fresh face. And you did it with Jared Goff, but you could have used it with a new coach as well. It was the perfect opportunity for you to put someone else in charge. But you blew it because Jeff Fisher has a reputation that I’m not sure he deserves. He was one foot away from a Superbowl overtime, but besides that all he has done is alienate players and grow a sweet mustache. You should’ve started there and worried about the rest later.

But don’t feel so bad, at least you’re right about one thing: Case Keenum couldn’t score on a high school defense. So that’s something!

__________

Dear Uncle Nate,

I have a problem. I love catching the football, and I’m great at it. Probably the best. I’m definitely the best at talking about being the best. But last week I only got one catch. Now really I got two, but those damn refs hate me as always. Bottom line, I got a rookie QB who isn’t throwing me the ball. To make matters worse, he told everyone he won’t force me the ball even though everyone knows he should!

How do I get this young kid to realize the only thing that matters is to feed 88?

Sincerely,

Wide Open in DFW

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FEED ME SEYMOUR PRESCOTT, FEED ME ALL NIGHT LONG

Dear Wide Open,

You have to realize that confidence is a real thing in this league. Every young kid, even one behind the best line in football, isn’t going to just fling it deep from the jump. He needs to use his check downs, he needs to feel secure. And since you’re kind of a deep target who gets the best corner attention, he probably is afraid of making a mistake. So help him help you. Run shorter routes. Get open across the middle. Basically look at what Cole Beasley does and do that better.

And that wasn’t a catch. Sorry.

__________

Dear Uncle Nate,

People are calling me and my teammates dirty for hitting Cam Newton so hard, but I think they’re pointing their anger in the wrong place. The refs didn’t call enough penalties to keep us in line. And then the Panthers staff let Cam in the game even though we were making him loopy. I even heard him at the line calling his running back DeAngelo. So if you ask me, we’re pretty much completely innocent, right?

Sincerely,

Helmet Launcher in Denver

 

Dear Helmet,

Of course you’re not innocent. Don’t think you can hide in the shadows of everyone else’s incompetence/mistakes and it makes yours go away. You still had several players on your team target Cam Newton, which isn’t a good look. Yes, it was wrong to keep Cam in the game. Yes, the refs should have corralled you long before the offsetting penalties. Yes, offsetting penalties of that nature is still something we heavily disagree with. But no, that doesn’t suddenly make your decision to try and take Cam out any less putrid. Lead with the shoulder, bruhs.

__________

 

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